Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Yes, I will always be broken.

Ive written this post, or a similar post, many times and just not posted it. I dont know why but I feel like I just cant express this the right way, but I guess I will try.

Having a baby...
1. doesnt make me fertile
2. doesnt make me forget all of the pain
3. doesnt make me suddenly feel like everything is fair in the world
4. doesnt pay off my medical debt
5. doesnt mean I can have another

#5 seems to be what on my mind most these days. What if I got lucky? What if Foster is my one and only miracle? What if I never get to experience being pregnant again?

I want to make one thing VERY clear: I LOVE FOSTER WITH ALL MY HEART. He is the answer to my prayers, the best thing that has ever happened to me, the reason I get out of bed in the morning, the reason I can smile after a terrible day. I, in no way, would trade him for ANYTHING.

That being said, I have never wanted only one child. I am TERRIFIED that I may never get pregnant again. I loved my pregnancy (though it was problem after problem after problem).... I didnt get enough of it. It ended 4 weeks early and im not done soaking in the amazing feeling of my child being with me all the time everywhere that I go, the feeling of life being inside of me, the kicks, the punches and the hiccups. I cant even imagine not feeling those things again.

For those of you who have been lucky enough to not suffer from infertility I want you to know that having a baby doesnt cure us. I still cry almost every day, I still see pregnant people and my insides crawl with jealousy, I still have fears, I still feel that pain, its not even a memory yet because I still FEEL it. Its not that we arent insanely happy for other people, its just that we are so broken and damaged by the entire topic. Glee covered a song that I used to listen to for comfort before I got pregnant with Foster and even during the first half of my pregnancy. As I sat there on the couch watching the show with my husband the song came on and I just started sobbing.... he didnt say anything because he knew what that song was to me. He just instead asked me if I will always be broken. That question felt like I knife in my chest. "YES, I will always be broken" I said. Some days I think I need a therapist or someone to talk to who can fix me. Should I still cry this much? Should I still feel the pain like it was yesterday? I still have nightmares of the things that we went through and wake up in a panic.

So, if you have a friend, family member, anyone in your life who is is struggling with/has struggled with infertility be careful because they might still be broken and not have the strength to tell you for fear you wont understand.

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  1. <3 "I want you to know that having a baby doesnt cure us" straight from my heart. I know I had it easy as far as IF struggle goes but I know exactly where you're coming from. It stings when friends say "oh we're going to have another baby next winter" like it's 100% guarenteed that they'll be able to plan when they get pregnant and it's just as easy as pie.

    I hope that you're able to complete your family!!!

  2. I'm so glad to see this post, it's so true. It's so hard to explain and I don't even know if I fully understand it - how my baby girl is absolutely enough and at the same time my longing to have another is deep and real. It's different than IF before her, but it it it's own new trial. I am absolutely happy and fulfilled, and absolutely full of longing at the same time.