After coming home on Monday from the hospital it all started to sink in....
all of the things that we went through,
all of the things we did,
all of the sacrifices that we made,
they all led us to this.... being parents.
It was scary going through treatments,
It was scary thinking that it may never happen,
It was scary being pregnant,
It was scary going through test after test thinking something was wrong with our baby,
It was scary being so sick at the end of our pregnancy,
But let me be the first to say it is SO MUCH SCARIER once they are born.
I have seen his face,
I have smelled him,
I have felt his softer than silk skin,
I have run my fingers through his hair,
I have kissed his forehead a million times,
there is NOTHING scarier than thinking if something happened that could all be taken away.
I thought that once I had my baby and he was home with me all the worries and all the hurt would melt away but the truth is that now its just a whole new set of worries.
Our first night home once it got close to bed time I panicked. How was I supposed to go to sleep and trust that he would keep breathing? Trust that he was ok? After failing his carseat test in the hospital and not keeping his oxygen level high enough I was terrified about him breathing all the time. I spent 2 hours crying and begging Justin to take us back to the hospital because without a pulseOx hooked up to him I would never be able to sleep. We did sleep, a little, but it was a rough night.
On tuesday we called the pediatrician because Foster was breathing really hard and part of his abdomen was distended and sticking out more than it had before. They told us to come in to the office so off we went. While at the office Foster had 3 separate attack of arching his back, turning bright red, not breathing, making sounds like he was suffocating, and bubbling at the mouth, then freaking out because this was scary for him. It was TERRIFYING. Being a registered nurse I am trained to deal with these situations and deal with emergencies all the time but when it is my child I shut down and dont trust my own instinct. I have never been so scared. The nurse rushed him out to the dr and I looked at Justin and just started crying.... how can I be expected to take him home and have this happen?! What if next time it lasts longer and he doesnt start breathing again?! Seeing him freak out after the attack was absolutely heartbreaking... I had never heard him cry like that, I didnt know he could cry that loud or that hard. After the third time this happened the Dr said that we needed to go to children's hospital. We were going to be directly admitted to the pulmonary floor so we didnt have to go through the ER, thank goodness. The last place that we wanted to be at that point was the hospital but we knew Foster needed it. The crib that was in the room was awful... it looked like a prison cell and I didnt want to put him in it at all. For the first 6 or 8 hours that we were there I just held him and hugged him and rocked him. My poor little boy should have to be this sick after all that he went through. After a whole day and night there with no reoccurring attacks they told us that they were diagnosing him with severe reflux. From then on we were to hold on upright for 30 minutes after all feedings and burp him more frequently during his feedings. We also have to limit him to 2 ounces on formula or breastmilk at a time. So on wednesday we were sent back home!