The end of an Era...

First, I know that some of you wont understand this but thats because you didnt go to Penn State. You dont call Happy Valley your home, you didnt stand and scream in those stand behind a coach that means the world to you. Penn State football is as much about JoePa as it is about the team.

Today is one of the saddest days of my life. I am so sad for those children and families.  I am sad this happened at all. I am sad for Joe Paterno. I am sad because I think that the AD and Spanier betrayed him and let him take the fall for thier lack of action. I am sad that a man who has always stood for morality, charity, education and the love of the game is having his spotless record tarnished.

I am mad that Sanducky is an aweful human and I am mad that he put my univeristy and my coach at risk and in this situation in the first place.

I am DEVASTATED that my son wont grow up watching Joe Paterno coach at Penn State. I am devastated that he wont get the opportunity to grow to love a man and a football program rich with tradition and coached by a man of epic proportions.

I knew that at some point Joe woud retire and I feared that day because I dont know a Penn State without Joe Paterno. I love him. I will always love him. I know what he stood for and I believe in him.
At this point my heart is broken but my spirit remains true... WE ARE PENN STATE.

The boys in blue and white know what Joe stands for and they are at Penn State playing because they want to play for Joe Pa. So this weekend, and the rest of this season, those players in their nameless jerseys are going to play their hearts out for a man that we all love.... they are going to play as ONE, the way that Joe preaches, in the uniforms that he has kept unchanged, FOR HIM. So, if you want to see heart then watch as the Nittany Lions play their hearts out for JOE PATERNO... because a fire has been lit that noone can put out while Joe is in Beaver Stadium.
Thanks for the memories, Joe. We love you!

Sorry its been so long

I am sorry that it has been so long since my last post. The past week and a half has been rough. Last tuesday I had surgery to remove my gallbladder. Things went well but recovery was/has been a lot harder than I had expected. I had a lot more pain than what I had intended.

About a week and a half ago we notice a round "bump" on the right side of Foster's head. It wasnt soft or bruised the way that it would be if he had bumped his head so it had me worried. I called the pediatrician and they had us come in to see them. They agreed that it was an odd shape because shifting plates doesnt make a round bump shape but that it felt like skull. They said that it could be a dermoid cyst on his brain or something else or nothing at all. They said that the best thing to do would be to send him for an ultrasound of his skull and brain. So the next thursday (2 days after my surgery) we took him to a Children's hospital location to get checked out. Here are some pictures from the event:

First they did the ultrasound and they had Foster stay in his car seat. He did pretty good but of course cried and resisted his head being held still and in one direction.



After the ultrasound the technician went to call the radiologist to make sure that she got the pictures that he wanted. When she came back in the room she said that he was requesting us to now get x-rays of the skull. They had to call the pediatrician and wait for orders so they had us go to the waiting room and wait to see what was happening. They got the order and it was x-ray time. They had to get 4 different positions:











It was so sad to see my little baby on that table. I know that people go through much worse but it is hard to imagine somethig being wrong with my PERFECT little baby because he is perfect in my eyes.

Here is a picture of him in his adorable little hospital gown that they had him wear for the x-rays:





 

Such a stud =) They called us later that day and told us that while "there is an elevation. there are no fractures in the skull, no apparent bone thickness issues, and no cyst that they saw. So, there is an elevation, we arent sure why, but we need to watch it." I was hoping for a definiative answer but at least this news seems good. Yay, Foster!

On sunday I ended up back in the hospital. I started having STABBING pains in my right upper quadrant so when I called the resident on call they said that I needed to go to the ER and get a CAT scan to check for an abscess or bile leak. So I went. They had to put in a HUGE IV because I was to get a chest CT that requires dye to be injected under pressure to check for blood clots in the lungs. They had to insert 4 IVs before they got one to work and then had to redraw blood because the first blood draw hemolyzed before it got to the lab. UGH. Needles much? I got all the tests and they came to the conclusion that I have pleurisy (inflammation and irritation of the pleura and chest wall) and inflammation of the diaphragm. OUCH. They normally treat pleurisy with predinose but I cannot take it because I just had surgery and it inhibits healing. So, I have to just double up my pain meds and grin and bear it.

Link Up: Eff, Marry, Kill!

Okay, more on the game we play...

It's called "Eff, Marry, Kill."

Basically, you choose 3 celebrities and the other person has to choose who'd they'd like to *ahem* make babies with, who they'd like to wed, and who could disappear.  I don't like to say I'd kill them.  That's a little violent for me.  And we always give our reasons.

So, here we go.... this week I am going to present the Grey's Anatomy Edition!

 1. Patrick Dempsey

 2. Eric Dane

3. Justin Chambers

 

My choices are as follows:

Eff: Justin Chambers (obviously, yum!)

Marry: Patrick Dempsey (he would make cute babies)

Kill: Eric Dane.... I know tons of people love him but I just dont get it. Totally not attractive to me. Dont get mad, I had to kill someone!!!!

Leave me a comment and let me know who you would Eff, Marry and Kill, please!

Foster is 3 Months Old!

I am posting this "picture post" for your enjoyment! My little Stinker is 3 Months Old, isnt that crazy?!

I wish that someone could fix me.

I wish that I could have back the pieces of me that were taken away...


I want to feel whole again. 

A good attempt to explain.

‎"The experience of infertility plunges people into contact with the outermost reaches of their humanity. Infertility is a profound crisis that threatens identity, relationships, and continuity. It threatens one’s sense of the world, it disturbs beliefs and assumptions, and it takes away safety and security. It is an emergency that uses up coping skills, and depletes resources; people start to run on empty as their chronic stress levels move into the area of trauma. Infertility can shut people down emotionally, it necessarily limits and narrows; people are functioning in “emergency mode,” a black and white vantage point that oversimplifies for the purpose of survival. This is not the best place to understand the complexities of human interactions, or the perspective of the “other;” this is a time to survive, and everything else may feel inessential." Anne F. Malavé, PhD

Yes, I will always be broken.

Ive written this post, or a similar post, many times and just not posted it. I dont know why but I feel like I just cant express this the right way, but I guess I will try.

Having a baby...
1. doesnt make me fertile
2. doesnt make me forget all of the pain
3. doesnt make me suddenly feel like everything is fair in the world
4. doesnt pay off my medical debt
5. doesnt mean I can have another

#5 seems to be what on my mind most these days. What if I got lucky? What if Foster is my one and only miracle? What if I never get to experience being pregnant again?

I want to make one thing VERY clear: I LOVE FOSTER WITH ALL MY HEART. He is the answer to my prayers, the best thing that has ever happened to me, the reason I get out of bed in the morning, the reason I can smile after a terrible day. I, in no way, would trade him for ANYTHING.

That being said, I have never wanted only one child. I am TERRIFIED that I may never get pregnant again. I loved my pregnancy (though it was problem after problem after problem).... I didnt get enough of it. It ended 4 weeks early and im not done soaking in the amazing feeling of my child being with me all the time everywhere that I go, the feeling of life being inside of me, the kicks, the punches and the hiccups. I cant even imagine not feeling those things again.

For those of you who have been lucky enough to not suffer from infertility I want you to know that having a baby doesnt cure us. I still cry almost every day, I still see pregnant people and my insides crawl with jealousy, I still have fears, I still feel that pain, its not even a memory yet because I still FEEL it. Its not that we arent insanely happy for other people, its just that we are so broken and damaged by the entire topic. Glee covered a song that I used to listen to for comfort before I got pregnant with Foster and even during the first half of my pregnancy. As I sat there on the couch watching the show with my husband the song came on and I just started sobbing.... he didnt say anything because he knew what that song was to me. He just instead asked me if I will always be broken. That question felt like I knife in my chest. "YES, I will always be broken" I said. Some days I think I need a therapist or someone to talk to who can fix me. Should I still cry this much? Should I still feel the pain like it was yesterday? I still have nightmares of the things that we went through and wake up in a panic.

So, if you have a friend, family member, anyone in your life who is is struggling with/has struggled with infertility be careful because they might still be broken and not have the strength to tell you for fear you wont understand.

Lots of Changes in the Daniel Household

We returned from our vacation on friday and spend the night settling in and unpacking. I, of course, had TONS of laundry to do so I got that started. We enjoyed just having some down time as a family. You could tell that Foster-man was happy to be back home.

Saturday we watched football and continued to unpack. Saturday night we went out to dinner with our friends, Tommy and Jerica, and then went back to their place to hang out. We had fun and Tommy took some pictures of Foster so I cant wait to see them (he is editing them, hes a professional photographer).

Sunday was another day filled with football and family time. I was also getting the house cleaned because I am hosting a Thirty-One party on monday evening after work! Sunday was also the last day that I had to prepare Foster's things for daycare. I got more things labeled and I put TONS of clothes away in his room and got his room more organized. We also hung the camera for his video monitor on the wall, finally.



This was the night we were moving him to his OWN CRIB in his OWN ROOM! Im not going to lie, I was totally sad about it all day. Its so nice having him right next to me and cudling him close right before bed. Its also reassuring to have him right there so I can make sure that he is breathing okay and doing well during the night. Ugh, can you tell I was dreading this?

So, we gave little man a bath so that he would smell good for school.



I fed him a bottle around 9:30 and then took him up to his room. We sat in his glider and read two books (ok, he was totally asleep but the books were more for me I guess.... haha). Then I swaddled him and put him in bed. EEEK!

I sat downstairs and stairs at the video monitor for 30 minutes before Justin said it was time for bed. HA! We laid in bed and he went right to sleep and I spent most of the night awake and watching the monitor.... I was so worried my little babe would need me and I wouldnt hear him. By the time I finally fell asleep (4am) I woke up (at 4:20) to the baby stirring and wanting to be fed. Justin fed him even though I stayed awake the whole time so I might as well have done it. Then we put him back down and I watched him for a good 20 minutes before falling asleep for 1.5 hours before the alarm went off. Needless to say, Im tired!

This morning we got up and got showered and ready then woke the baby up. I got his diaper changed and got him dressed for his first day of school then Justin fed him while I dried my hair. Then I packed him up and off to his first day of daycare we went!
Here is a picture of Foster with Mom and Dad before leaving for his first day of school:






I will update about school tonight after I pick him up =)

Happy Monday Everyone!

Quick Confession

I desperately want to be pregnant again.

Vacation Update!

Vacation is going by quickly and we are having a GREAT time. I thought I would pop on and add some pictures so you can see how its going:

{View from our pool chairs}

{Napping in mommy lap while she reads a book}

{Lots of handsome smiles for mommy}

{Napping in the stroller}

{Day 2 by the pool; Relaxing}

{This is the life}

{Day 3; Daddy is with us so its time to enter the pool!}

{First time in the pool}

{Loves it!}

{Down at the beach}

{Gotta love the view}

{Out to dinner with friends}

{Bedtime smiles <3}