Today starts National Infertility Awareness Week. Infertility is....

infertility is...

Hushed conversations, secret struggles, gross misconceptions, ignorence.

The reality is much more than that.  The reality is a group of people who fight a battle everyday for a glimpse of what seems to come so easily to everyone else.  People who face heartbreak and fear and loss and unanswerable questions every single day.  People who question every choice they make.  People who wonder what they did to deserve this.  People who willingly subject their bodies to tests and treatments and probes and medications... with no guarantee of their happily ever after.

Infertility is...
Getting excited when needles/syringes/medications arrive in the mail:

Having your veins look like this on a good day:

Covering your stomach in patches that leave you bloated and your tummy covered in a residue that fights you to the death to come off:

Carting your cryopreserved potential future children between clincs:

Watching while two beautiful embryos are transferred into you:

...Only to be told a week  later that your dream doesn't get to stay.

It's multiple injections daily that leave you with bumps and bruises in places that are not convenient to have bumps and bruises. 

It's eyes so swollen from crying that you lie with ice packs in hopes of being presentable to the outside world.

It's being stripped of your privacy.

It's laughing at yourself for thinking that maybe, just maybe this is the month.

It's watching "it" happen for everyone else.

It's hoping you'll be "that couple" who was told it wouldn't happen but got knocked up once they stopped trying/went on vacation/stopped stressing/did thisthatortheother thing.

It's is also finding a strength in yourself that you never knew existed.

It's finding new meaning in words like patience... hope... faith...

It's discovering a new path.

It's learning that even in the darkest of days, you will be ok.

Infertility someone you know... your daughter, sister, aunt, niece, cousin, friend...

Infertility is me...

"Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places..." Unknown

What Ive been up to...

Lots of things have been going on lately. After the craziness of the holidays and being sick things started to get really busy. Justin and I are both back to work with no vacation time and Foster is back at school.

Well, he isnt the only one who is back at school. After my nice long fall quarter off (which didnt feel long at all) it was time to resume grad school.  Let me tell you, working full time, being a full time mommy and being in school full time is nearly impossible. I normally wouldnt have planned to have it this way. I would have liked to get to enjoy every moment of Foster at this age and lay on the floor and play all night after work if I could. See, it was after 19 months of trying to get pregnant and failing I decided that I wasnt going to wait anymore to start school. We were spending money like it was free on fertility treatments and building a boat-load of debt. For these reasons I needed to go back to school so that I could make more money. Besides, I am the kind of person who does everything that I set my mind to and I decided that I was going to have a baby and it seemed that may never happened. I needed to do something, and quick, to prove to myself that I could still accomplish things. You can only feel like a complete and utter failure for so long. So, I applied for school, I got accepted, I applied for my loan, and I got the first bill.

I remember thinking to myself "This is really it, if I pay this bill (therefor accepting my loan) I would have to see this through. I cant afford to pay off this school loan unless I graduate and get a new job." So... I paid the bill.......

Two days later, I got a positive pregnancy test. Dont get me wrong, this was the BEST NEWS I HAVE EVER RECEIVED, but oh the timing. Well thats whats on the table in front of me, so all of it I will do.

This is considered to be the "make it or break it" quarter. The one where your head spins the entire time and they give you more work than is humanly possible so Ive been a little busy.

So far school is going well. Work might be changing a little soon hopefully (not any less work just a position change perhaps). Foster is doing great. He is growing fast now and changing every day. He is on the verge of being a serious sitter and he is vocal as all get-out!

Foster's new thing since about 2 days ago is sticking his tongue out ALL.THE.TIME. Such a silly boy!

Xmas 2011- Foster's First Christmas!

On Christmas Eve day we had christmas with my family. My aunt (who I have always been VERY close with) and her daughter came to spend christmas with us. It was SO nice to have them here and for Foster to get to meet them. Its so hard living across the country from the ones that you love (They live in Texas).


Here are some pictures from their visit:

 Justin, Reisha, Isabel & Foster

 The tree and lots of presents!

 Foster checking out his first ever stocking!

 Foster and Grandpa

 Foster helping Grandma open gifts

 Checking out his new bunny

 Grandpa taking the trash out and being silly!

 Foster's Learning Home that he asked for, YAY!

 Grandma and Grandson

 Being a good little boy and helping dad unwrap a gift

 Checking out his new quilt and burp cloths from mommy

 He loved them =)

 Checking out his new steering wheel/car from his grandparents

After a wonderful day with my family we headed up to Justin's grandmother's house, 3 hours away. We went to his aunt's house that night to visit all the people they had over for their annual christmas eve party then went to Gram's and went to bed.... Santa had to come after all!

 Opening a stocking with his Great-Grandma

 There is nothing like christmas at Great-Gram's house <3

 Checking out the goods

 With his Grandpa 

 Santa Came!!!!!!

 The basement tree

 Nana and Foster sneaking from cuddles

 Mommy helping Foster open his stocking from Santa (mommy is NOT feeling well)

 Aunt Sherry is our favorite elf =)

By then it was about 9am and I spent the rest of Foster's first Christmas in the hospital. I was having excruciating pain all across my upper abdomen and was lightheaded and nauseous. I went to the ER in the town that we are in (we went out of town for xmas to see Justin's family). I was there ALL day, without my baby, and missed pretty much all of his first xmas. 

I had to drink a huge dye drink for an abdominal CT scan, get IV contrast also. Got the CT, it showed "an extremely large mass which we think might be an ovarian cyst"... so they wanted to do an ultrasound. They said the only reason it would be causing pain where I described was if it was leaking. There was no ultrasound tech in so they had to call one to come in from an hour away (ugh! MORE WAITING when all I wanted to do was get home to my baby). About this time the meds they were giving me for my nausea wasnt working anymore. They had to give me zofran, phenergan and morphine to help control it. Then I had 2 hours of ultrasounds, both transabdominal and intravaginal. She could NOT find anything on my ovary. She kept leaving to call the Dr at Cleveland Clinic who had looked at my CT scan to get direction. By this time I was freaking out and crying because I was terrified what "an extremely large mass (over 3inches across) could be if not an ovarian cyst..... Cancer?!


She finally finishes and taked me back to my room in the ER. Then more waiting. The bloodwork wasnt very helpful, the urine didnt help except to for telling them I wasnt pregnant (no SHIT!) and I am on like day 80 of this cycle (no period since october).

Basically they cant figure out what could be causing the issues that I was having. After some doctors conferencing they decided that they think the mass was an enlarged portion of my bowel. They wanted to admit me but I said no, I wanted to go home. Justin had to drive an hour each way to go get me all my meds they sent me home on because that was the closest pharmacy open on xmas night. I went back to his grams and laid in bed dying all night. 

I feel awful that we missed Fosters 1st xmas and cried most of the day in the hospital because I felt so guilty. Because of me Foster was without his mommy and daddy on xmas, Justin had to be in a hospital starving and bored all day. Overall it was awful and I feel awful. They said I need to see my surgeon ASAP so thats the next step. Till then zofran, phenergan and percocets. 


Since then I have gotten back to feeling much better. We never figured out what was wrong but let me tell you; MY BODY HATES ME.