The unfortunate end of 2011.... the best year of my life.

Sorry that I have been away from blogging for almost 2 months. I will update on whats been going on but not in this post!

I think that the best way to start out my "Goodbye to 2011" post is to start by pasting in my blog post at the end of 2010. So here it is:

"2010 has, by far, been the most difficult and painful year of my life thus far. Thinking back this year alone we have been through 7 attempted IUIs, a failed IVF w.ICSI and an FET. We have spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant. I NEVER in my wildest dreams imagined that I could have such a tough year. The tears I shed in 2010 are uncountable. There was so much hope and so much failure. So much hurt and so much anger. I think that I almost lost myself last year and I know that because of 2010 I will never be the same. I will never be able to think of babies, pregnancy and life the way that I did before. I will never be able to relax and trust that things will work out. I will NEVER take things for granted. When I look back at 2010 I remember the bad, painful things first. Happy memories dont stick out in my mind, I know they happened but I dont think I was an "active"participant.

Just a week after we got our first +HPT I was with a friend and she said to me that she doesnt think she has ever seen me so happy. It occurred to me that I didnt know this friend before we started TTC back in april of 2009. It made me happy that she said this but I really didnt know what she meant. I felt like I did such a good job of pretending to be "ok", pretending to have fun, pretending to live when I didnt feel like I was living at all. I later told Justin what she said and asked him if I was really that different and he said something that broke my heart. He said that he cant remember the last time that he heard me really laugh (sober) and that I was miserable, that he thought that maybe he had lost me (not that I was going anywhere but that I wasnt the person he knew before) and that I seemed to be on autopilot. This absolutely broke my heart. I know that I felt miserable, I know that some days I didnt want to get out of bed or even face anyone and pretend to be ok, I know I felt that way but I didnt know how much it showed. The sad part of all this is that I LOVE TO LAUGH, I love to have fun. I have always been the non-serious type who likes to make people laugh and have fun (maybe too much). I cant believe how unconvincing my performance was, I guess.

Here I am, on december 30th 2011, and I will be 7 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I am so happy and I feel like I am becoming "me" again. I laugh and I mean it, I smile and I mean it, and I live and feel like I am living. In 2011 I want to treasure every moment of this pregnancy because I may never be pregnant again. I want to treasure the friends who stuck by me through the worst year of my life because Im sure I wasnt fun to be around of talk to. I want to LIVE, unafraid and happy.

I am so thankful for the baby that is growing inside of me, the husband who went through this with me, the friends who stood by me, the family that supported me, the girls of the board and bloggers that inspired me and kept me going, and everyone who continues to be here with me. I want 2011 to be the best year of my life."

Reading this makes me realize how right I was. 2010 still sticks out in my mind as the year that changed me forever. Now, most of 2009 was spent trying to conceive but there was so much more hope and so much less pain that year. We were just beginning. While most people would think that 9 months of trying to get pregnant and failing to, even after 5 of those were medicated, would be insanely depressing it really felt like we were still thinking it was just a matter of time and not science and money (which is what it really was).

At the end of 2010 I said that I wanted to enjoy 2011 as much as humanly possible. Let me tell you, I DID! 2011 was the BEST year of my life.

In 2011:
- I was pregnant for almost 7 months
- Gave birth to my miracle baby
- Spent 12 weeks at home being a "stay at home mom" on maternity leave and living every day as a mommy (this time will always be the most special 12 weeks of my life).
- Spent 5.5 months being a mom to an amazing little boy

How could that not be the best year of someone's life?!

When I told my husband that 2011 was the best year ever and I was so sad that it was coming to an end he was a bit surprised. He was surprised that I could enjoy the year so much when physicall I kind of fell apart. The pregnancy was one issue after another, abnormal NT, possible down, polyhydramnios, fetal echo, HUGE bleeding scare, severe preeclampsia, etc. Then came a failed 28 hour induction, c-section, NICU admission, being on mag after delivery and not getting to see my baby. After coming home we got readmitted to childrens. After that came my liver and galbladder issues. Then came the gallbladder removal and its ensuing bought of pleurisy and hospitalization. Then came a possible cysts/mass and hospitalization on christmas. Sounds like a mess doesnt it?

Well, I loved the year anyway. It was all ok because I had my little boy growing inside of me or here in my arms for the entire year. I dont care that all the bad things happened (although it really sucked and I would have prefered to not have them) because I am SO THANKFUL that this year was a MIRACLE. I, unlike many others, got to be pregnant and have my baby this year. I know after all that I have been through how lucky I was. Many people, heck most people, take for granted getting pregnant and having babies. I DONT. I know I was lucky, I got a gift, a wonderful amazing gift. I got to be a mom this year, and for that I will be forever thankful.

I cried at midnight when I saw the big 2012 light up. I am sad to see this year go, cant I stay here forever?! I hope that someday, somehow, I will have another year like this. One where I get to be pregnant and bring another miracle into this world. It wont be the same as this time.... it wont have the impact that this one did, but I hope it happens again somehow.

The end of an Era...

First, I know that some of you wont understand this but thats because you didnt go to Penn State. You dont call Happy Valley your home, you didnt stand and scream in those stand behind a coach that means the world to you. Penn State football is as much about JoePa as it is about the team.

Today is one of the saddest days of my life. I am so sad for those children and families.  I am sad this happened at all. I am sad for Joe Paterno. I am sad because I think that the AD and Spanier betrayed him and let him take the fall for thier lack of action. I am sad that a man who has always stood for morality, charity, education and the love of the game is having his spotless record tarnished.

I am mad that Sanducky is an aweful human and I am mad that he put my univeristy and my coach at risk and in this situation in the first place.

I am DEVASTATED that my son wont grow up watching Joe Paterno coach at Penn State. I am devastated that he wont get the opportunity to grow to love a man and a football program rich with tradition and coached by a man of epic proportions.

I knew that at some point Joe woud retire and I feared that day because I dont know a Penn State without Joe Paterno. I love him. I will always love him. I know what he stood for and I believe in him.
At this point my heart is broken but my spirit remains true... WE ARE PENN STATE.

The boys in blue and white know what Joe stands for and they are at Penn State playing because they want to play for Joe Pa. So this weekend, and the rest of this season, those players in their nameless jerseys are going to play their hearts out for a man that we all love.... they are going to play as ONE, the way that Joe preaches, in the uniforms that he has kept unchanged, FOR HIM. So, if you want to see heart then watch as the Nittany Lions play their hearts out for JOE PATERNO... because a fire has been lit that noone can put out while Joe is in Beaver Stadium.
Thanks for the memories, Joe. We love you!

Sorry its been so long

I am sorry that it has been so long since my last post. The past week and a half has been rough. Last tuesday I had surgery to remove my gallbladder. Things went well but recovery was/has been a lot harder than I had expected. I had a lot more pain than what I had intended.

About a week and a half ago we notice a round "bump" on the right side of Foster's head. It wasnt soft or bruised the way that it would be if he had bumped his head so it had me worried. I called the pediatrician and they had us come in to see them. They agreed that it was an odd shape because shifting plates doesnt make a round bump shape but that it felt like skull. They said that it could be a dermoid cyst on his brain or something else or nothing at all. They said that the best thing to do would be to send him for an ultrasound of his skull and brain. So the next thursday (2 days after my surgery) we took him to a Children's hospital location to get checked out. Here are some pictures from the event:

First they did the ultrasound and they had Foster stay in his car seat. He did pretty good but of course cried and resisted his head being held still and in one direction.



After the ultrasound the technician went to call the radiologist to make sure that she got the pictures that he wanted. When she came back in the room she said that he was requesting us to now get x-rays of the skull. They had to call the pediatrician and wait for orders so they had us go to the waiting room and wait to see what was happening. They got the order and it was x-ray time. They had to get 4 different positions:











It was so sad to see my little baby on that table. I know that people go through much worse but it is hard to imagine somethig being wrong with my PERFECT little baby because he is perfect in my eyes.

Here is a picture of him in his adorable little hospital gown that they had him wear for the x-rays:





 

Such a stud =) They called us later that day and told us that while "there is an elevation. there are no fractures in the skull, no apparent bone thickness issues, and no cyst that they saw. So, there is an elevation, we arent sure why, but we need to watch it." I was hoping for a definiative answer but at least this news seems good. Yay, Foster!

On sunday I ended up back in the hospital. I started having STABBING pains in my right upper quadrant so when I called the resident on call they said that I needed to go to the ER and get a CAT scan to check for an abscess or bile leak. So I went. They had to put in a HUGE IV because I was to get a chest CT that requires dye to be injected under pressure to check for blood clots in the lungs. They had to insert 4 IVs before they got one to work and then had to redraw blood because the first blood draw hemolyzed before it got to the lab. UGH. Needles much? I got all the tests and they came to the conclusion that I have pleurisy (inflammation and irritation of the pleura and chest wall) and inflammation of the diaphragm. OUCH. They normally treat pleurisy with predinose but I cannot take it because I just had surgery and it inhibits healing. So, I have to just double up my pain meds and grin and bear it.

Link Up: Eff, Marry, Kill!

Okay, more on the game we play...

It's called "Eff, Marry, Kill."

Basically, you choose 3 celebrities and the other person has to choose who'd they'd like to *ahem* make babies with, who they'd like to wed, and who could disappear.  I don't like to say I'd kill them.  That's a little violent for me.  And we always give our reasons.

So, here we go.... this week I am going to present the Grey's Anatomy Edition!

 1. Patrick Dempsey

 2. Eric Dane

3. Justin Chambers

 

My choices are as follows:

Eff: Justin Chambers (obviously, yum!)

Marry: Patrick Dempsey (he would make cute babies)

Kill: Eric Dane.... I know tons of people love him but I just dont get it. Totally not attractive to me. Dont get mad, I had to kill someone!!!!

Leave me a comment and let me know who you would Eff, Marry and Kill, please!

Foster is 3 Months Old!

I am posting this "picture post" for your enjoyment! My little Stinker is 3 Months Old, isnt that crazy?!

I wish that someone could fix me.

I wish that I could have back the pieces of me that were taken away...


I want to feel whole again. 

A good attempt to explain.

‎"The experience of infertility plunges people into contact with the outermost reaches of their humanity. Infertility is a profound crisis that threatens identity, relationships, and continuity. It threatens one’s sense of the world, it disturbs beliefs and assumptions, and it takes away safety and security. It is an emergency that uses up coping skills, and depletes resources; people start to run on empty as their chronic stress levels move into the area of trauma. Infertility can shut people down emotionally, it necessarily limits and narrows; people are functioning in “emergency mode,” a black and white vantage point that oversimplifies for the purpose of survival. This is not the best place to understand the complexities of human interactions, or the perspective of the “other;” this is a time to survive, and everything else may feel inessential." Anne F. Malavé, PhD